Tonight is a night fright night and yes I do know it's Sunday... but go with me here...

Let’s just say that many may have noticed that at times I am not so happy go lucky?
And perhaps I tell you all what to do way too much to make yourselves worry free.
Well, I am miserable with myself most of the time and so indirectly I suppose I am telling myself what I SHOULD be doing.
Why? You politely asked; because I truly don’t have much of a life.
And complaining is the only thing that I know how to do, since this is all new to me.
Not that new just a couple of years though.
You see, there once was a time when my life was so busy and full, so full that I hardly had anytime to grumble.
It seems these days though I am not allowed to do this or that, because of my chance of breaking things due to being my uncoordinated self.
Hubby has now taken almost every mundane job away from me, I used to be a cleaning freak, the house that is.
I can’t see to drive and there are no classes being given that seem desirable locally for me to go to if I even did ask him to take me.
We butt heads with what I should and should not being doing and with me thinking what he should be or not be doing.
He feels I snack too much, which I know I do, but if you have not much else; then what?
I basically listen to the TV or come here to this computer to waste more time.
The other night on my Blog’s advertising there was an ad for surgical weight loss.
How many of you know that when you have any autoimmune diseases like my Multiple Sclerosis you can’t have those surgeries?
Any-who, lately I feel like I am just waiting to die, and if I don’t get some help soon I may be there sooner rather than later.
Most would say pretty darn sad, huh?
But if you don’t do anything; why be here I ask?
I am in a Jabba the Hutt mode, and sadly I resemble him too.
If I could afford people to bring the food to me from all away over by the kitchen, ten feet away, I would.
What’s the point with this pitiful Pearl existence?

Of course I realize that people have fatal illnesses and would be more than happy exchanging places with someone who has a chronic disease, be it neurological destroying my brain and my nervous system but not always fatal.
So many are dying from their ills and people clamor around them rooting them to go on… I don’t have that.
My sons hardly ever call, and my Hubby seems to be reading or working in the yard or the garage or doing something other than with me.
I am disgustingly ugly and fat and I do know that!
We have a few mirrors in this house.
People seem to be now avoiding eye contact with me when we go out, or perhaps it is just my paranoia.
I am in a motorized scooter since I can’t walk without falling, and they look at you as if it’s because you are soooo fat! Again it’s a case of which came first the chicken or the egg sort of a deal.
I do have this Blog, but Hubby thinks like many do that I reveal too much.
When you have no one else to talk with, what can one do?
One day seems to just run into another… my sadness is overwhelming not just from my own dilemma but from everyone else’s too.
I am quite self-centered but I have no idea if anyone is out there for me?
Most tell me to shut up and not talk about these things, and that makes things worse for me, since I have no way to distract myself.

I know, I know people are actually dying and I am not fatal; at least not yet…but MS can be.
All I know is the less I can do the more I eat and the less we do as a couple.
It’s a vicious cycle.
And at times we are not so polite in how we handle our situation; we are downright nasty! Which makes me feel more alienated from the world, are you all really there?
You rarely if ever answer.
I need to know…

night


PS forgive this meltdown, am I not entitled?
Or are you just jealous that you are not as honest with your feelings, perhaps?