Have you ever wanted to give up?

Now don’t think I mean the final ending thingy? Although, I do have/had days like that and still have to admit I have fleeting moments.

Thankfully I do have the good sense to realize that, what my dad had said is, when you reached the bottom the only place to go from there is UP!

Depression is normal with chronic disease/illness. There are times when some of us feel that the people around us would be better off without us, hmm?

Sadly, those feelings have come to me more times than I care to admit, but I am, here and now…Only because that it is very true that some how with all the joy and frivolity out there in the world at this time of the year that many of us are still living in our own little hellish world’s of misery that people don’t get.

Today alone I hate mirrors these days because damn my reflection is horrid I am so damn big no matter what I seem to do…And ironically the mirror that made me realize the true me is right behind the exercise equipment that I have been using!

But I exercise with my back to them…

No one seems to get it.

We are in the market or were for a new clock for the bedroom that we both can see without much effort and is more in style with the rest of our cottage styling in our home. I suggested to Hubby that I would walk over from the rehab that I had just worked out at, Hubby’s says for a half an hour today to go to the Radio Shack within the Promenades shopping complex where the rehab resides as well, about two blocks and that he could meet me there with the car. Benches are placed around the complex plus I had my water/club soda with me and if all else failed I was taking my walker, of course that has a seat to rest on too.

On my way there is another major gym for public use one of those chains and an older gentleman in excellent health strolled out as I was about to pass him and exclaimed he just had gotten in some exercise and looked at me and I said I did too at the rehab around the corner…He looked at me quizzically, and I said and for me it is not as easy with Multiple Sclerosis, he said a friend had something like that, Osteoporosis? (Osteoporosis is also known as brittle bone disease and happens usually to small framed women and men when they get older.) I said no, that is in the bones this is neurological (nerves)… and I kept on walking!

I suppose I will never learn to not let people’s ignorance of my disease get the better of me.

I want to wring some of their necks but I know that wouldn’t be helpful and why should they know about something that has nothing to do with them. PS Radio Shack did not have any clocks that fit the bill!

The other thing that makes me crazy is the people who say things like Geez it all goes along with age, what?????

Multiple Sclerosis has nothing to do with being older, children get it! For the record it is NOT an old age disease!

It is not osteoarthritis which does happen as we get older due to wear and tear on the joints, not the nervous system like MS, which causes lesions on the brain and spinal cord!

Got it?

Meanwhile back at the fat ranch of mine. In all my life I have never ever weighed this much not even when I was pregnant all five times!

I believe the trail to this body image started with the anti-depressive meds that the doctor had me on when I had a bad reaction to Hurricane Charley and Hurricane Katrina had set me off a year after; I had gained twenty-five pounds there by the end of 2005. And then the doctors were all telling me to quit smoking, another fifty there, by 2006, and then 2009 first hospitalized on a three day course of 1000 MG. of IV steroids, 2010 another course at home but same dosing due to optic neuritis, and another exacerbation 2012 same amount, 2013 another and  the high dosing of Gabapentin and Baclofen due to Grand Mal like spasms, throw into all this additional weight also causing high blood pressure and meds for that and cholesterol and you got one fatty here! Not to mention the few years of Hubby pushing me while out in the wheel chair due to my eyes and perception lacking as well as my Ataxia! And lest I not forget all those times I tried to exercise and those pseudo exacerbations were caused even with my cooling vest on and being on steroid step-downs, a total of six times if I counted correctly!

I know excuses but I cannot understand this exercise program not working, exercise has always worked before with a healthy diet.

Sure I am now Type 2 diabetic and on Thyroid meds and this is all because of what I said above, one causes the other and on and on and on, scary!

Believe or not just nine years ago I was thin, at 103 pounds, and except for falling and having my leg go out under me I was fine…

Sure I had muscle cramps that we all thought was just due to lack of hydration or magnesium, but sadly they still happened even with hydrating constantly and potassium and magnesium rich food and vitamins!

So, MS.

Sadly.

And horridly.

Everyone handles it differently and some lose weight and some walk with just canes with even only one eye working or low vision issues…but even with MS we are all not exactly the same, and some look as if they are fine…

So we are a rare breed, but who isn’t, really?

Venting is good and writing here has saved my life too many times to remember and before elsewhere.

Even your best friends get tired of hearing the same things over and over and so here I sit telling everyone else in the world my boo hoo story once again, who cares really?

When it gets down to it only me.

Oh sure your family and friends say they do and in some ways they do, but not to listen to this lament oh so often…maybe too often?

And that is why I write, about this and that and sneak this in when I need to say what ails me in my heart and mind of how I am sometimes am NOT dealing too well with this particular hand I was dealt but who does really?

We have no choice but to do what we must…

On that note of appreciating you all for listening, my captive audience, ah, allow me to be the very first to wish all of you a very happy good night and ask all of you to kindly count all your blessings and share all of you overages with you know who and we will too!

And next time please be here or be square, ya hear!