Monday, April 21, 2014

Denial is good for the soul?




Or is that the brain, psyche, emotional well being, ability to cope, a defense mechanism to deal with what life may throw at you at any announced or non-announced given time in you personal history in this life?

Sure there are several circumstances when denying something has a deep integral affect on you as thinking, loving, feeling, caring, and human being becomes necessary. And to most who have this ingrained, hereditary or self taught by example or trained to deal with everything, self controlled type people.

Everything from death to horrific injury to horrible illnesses to love lost, to heaven knows what there could be next when life has a way of changing up and down things in our very existences, hmm?

You know I have tried, time and time again to join those special people that I can be very envious of having that ability to put their personal woes on the back burner and get on with life no matter what!
It's not that easy for me, sadly.
I love all those martyrs and as I just said I am so very jealous of how they all manage to be so very, very good all of the time no matter what!

 Sure I can go for an hour or two, maybe, but days, weeks, months, forever?

 Nope, I hurt and I walk funny, so I do try to not fall with the aid of equipment meant for that purpose...and that is my give away that I am not up to par with some, but not as bad as many.

It's just that when people cannot see what you are dealing with, and say unhelpful things like Gee you look fine or are you sure you can't do this or that? I want to slap them silly, but it would hurt my hands too much and so I say things that I recall; like what I used to say to my Mom, that I wished she felt as good as she looked, but she never did. In my head, to think to myself that is what they really meant and wished for me too.

Everyone has their own threshold of coping mechanisms with pain and emotional control abilities, but gosh I wish I had more in my repertoire to base ‘denial’ living by.

Maybe it has to do with my honesty issues. I believe, to a fault to always tell the truth and anything else is wrong, even that thingy people say for some that it is better for ‘them’ not to know, ya know? To me a lie is a lie and it is difficult to forgive that from anyone, but especially family or friends; is that so wrong?

But it is a code that I do think is best to follow, simple and concise that honesty is the best policy, and so that is why I have not been able to successfully be able to be in denial about my Multiple Sclerosis.
And believe me when I said that I have tried.

I have attempted walking without any aids at all, and all that got me was bumps and bruises bouncing into the walls that I tried using to help me instead. My legs go numb and painful, and hands, hips and you name the body part and it goes into spasms too. I have reduced my intake of meds for such things to nearly null in spite of all this too!

Denial a simple smallish word meaning: refutation, rejection, rebuff, contradiction, disagreement, defiance, denunciation, dissent, disclaimer, refusal, repudiation, rebuttal, veto, turning down, renunciation, disavowal, disowning, abjuration, and forswearing.

Yep, I have visited this area of my discontent many times before.
As usual, I was set off with people not complaining about their lot in life and doing things that I can only imagine, wish to do... when by all that is real and logical should be impossible for them to do too...!

And so yes again that is what has triggered this, Polyannas that make the rest of us contending too with life's bad jokes, and them coming up smelling like capable flourishing roses when by all rights it should be impossible for them to do what they are doing! G-d bless them all…

That is why I now realize that for me to continue and to fail constantly any attempt to do it with any style and grace, i.e. denial; I am now stating here tonight that I will not do it, since I cannot lie to anyone else and especially to myself! So there with a great big tongue sticking out of my rather ample mouth, okay, not so ample but enough room to be able to still do that! And ha to all of that!

On that note of sharing way too much, as usual, allow me to be the very first to wish all of you a very happy good night and ask you all to kindly count all your blessings and we will too!

And next time please be here or be square, ya hear!

*Author’s note to all and self: I am thrilled that I can see again! Don’t get me wrong, life could be worse, we all know that! I am just reiterating that no one should have to pretend they are well when they need assistance; no shame should go with any illness or any disability or need for help; I’m just saying...

One can never give up is the lament of the world of positivity, and mine too!


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