FEAR

Most of my adult life I have been pretty brave; at least that’s what some people have told me.

I have adjusted to life’s curve balls, its ups and downs, what-have-you, and all that might be considered going with the flow… Who has a choice, really, when it comes down to the truth be told…?
And believe me when I say we have had enormous hard times, with other illnesses, deaths and economically/financially and gosh with you name it, we have had it pretty much all, not unlike all of you for that I am more than sure…
Oddly enough my Mom was not good at handling things anymore than myself, but experience is the best teacher in the long haul. And Dad used to say when you reached the bottom the only way is up from there, right? In the day I thought Dad was so profound in his common sense but I was still very young, in my mere thirties even then.

Why we even had one six month period when we were robbed and we nearly walked into the robbers still in our home. I miss-carried a four month pregnancy right after that, Hubby had a job layoff due to leaving work abruptly for me calling him about it the burglary I think but he said no, and to round out the horrible circumstances within those six months with my Mom dying from a stroke in less than twelve hour period a week before her birthday and a day after our anniversary, Dad died on Mother’s Day a few years later!

Yep, that was way back in my youth from August of 1981 to February 15th of 1982…and Dad was in May 11, 1986.
Something’s do seem as if they just happened yesterday, huh?
Tough times, and so when I started getting a bit worse this time with the Multiple Sclerosis I thought sure I can do this, just another bump in the road, right?
Fear is defined as terror, dread, horror, fright, panic, alarm, trepidation, worry concern, anxiety, apprehension and or phobia…
And so this is what I do feel might be happening to me; agoraphobia: a condition characterized by an irrational fear of public or open spaces.
You see, in my case it is not that irrational since the heat here these last few months has been ungodly with little or no relief! Actually, we did finally get a sprinkle of rain last night but even though the temperature went down into the mid-seventies the humidity went all the way up into the eighties, still not a time to turn off the air and open the windows, oh no!
And we all know that for MS, heat is one of the main causes of exacerbations and so here I sit, unable to leave my home once again…with an enormous, rightfully so dose of FEAR!
But to put it into a more of a dire perspective of my perhaps skewed reasoning, after anyone has had these high voltage IV infusions of steroids they are more susceptible to contagion; logical not crazy, right?
Our immune systems are more compromised but that is all of the time anyway since Multiple Sclerosis is an autoimmune disease which there are many others including AIDS, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus and the like.
And so we are always in jeopardy of getting something from anyone who unthinkably wishes to share their germs…please be cautious peeps since you know not whom you may be dealing with…

Why that’s why smarty pants here gets her yearly flu shot and two years ago got an pneumonia shot too it is good for five years, and yes I do know pneumonia is not contagious that it develops, yes after being bed ridden or exposed to someone who has some nasty microorganism that they unknowingly share…

I can hear you all saying so; what’s the problem?
Just stay put for now.
My concern is how long?
When will I know it is safe to come out into the world without fear?
And I used to be a people person and I am so in my glory when talking to people…
And my physical limitations are becoming more difficult for me to do what I want, in the respect things are getting harder to accomplish and I can’t read as I used to, my eyes go in and out, and sitting here or anywhere for any length of time can be most painful or numbing or spastic or you all know the rest…
I used to read and do crafts but those are limited now, and to be honest, sorry about that terminology, but it does fit, this is my highlight of my day; writing this and talking to you all!
No one knows in truth how important this one thing has become or could even possibly imagine how connected I feel with my own thoughts and that you are really all listening to me! It is such a wonderful more than you can ever know that you are hearing me…
I really feel this is all I got.
Rambling is my best ability right now.
And I just want you all to know that I thank you for being here.
My cognitive ability is sporadic and my sight is in and out and so I do apologize for my grammatical errors, which I know are abundant, but please forgive.
Yes, I do know we have visited my odd writing abilities before.
Passion should be the main requirement in anything we do well and if that is true this is mine. All right some of us don’t do it well, but we still have the passion!
And as I have said before what I lack in grammatical correctness I make up in being quite verbose, HA! PS once again I proved my point!


On that wee bit of silly, let me be the first to wish you all to take care, and to be well and happy and to make sure that you and yours have peace. And let us never forget to count those blessings and to share those overages and we will too!

And next time for my own selfish sake please be here or be square, ya hear?