Being somewhat of an ‘A’, type personality, which at one time was perfect for what I did in life, management and owning my own businesses, but now it is just damn frustrating to have all that fight left in you with no outlet to change what you know in your heart just isn’t right.
My life has been on a definite spiral downward while each day is providing me with less and less abilities to do things for myself.
And I don’t like it; consequently I want it fixed that is my body that I want fixed.
So I had a light bulb go off in my brain telling me that my disability hearing should be soon it’s been nearly two years since I applied for one way back in, actually over two years when my hubby found my paperwork I had applied on March 27.2007.
You see if I had disability insurance to rely on and therefore Medicare I would be able to be fixed and live my life, better, healthier, simple?
Not really, they turned me down twice before saying that since I had four healthy years which is often the case with relaxing/remitting MS I had regained my abilities long enough not to be considered disabled, and also some nonsense about not enough credits from working.
Well, I worked on and off for thirty-two years and I know others who never ever worked or only worked a few years and they have been on disability until they eventually went on Social Security according to being of that age! I won’t reach that age for another six plus years, what do I do until then?
It’s so darn confusing and aggravating, and the worse I feel the harder it is to fight for me.
Today I had a meltdown wishing I were dead I even said, I believe it’s all because the pain is more often than not and doing walking reaching moving lifting simple things like plastic cups is agony. When I stand if it’s not the hips hurting my legs are going numb, and when I sit it is my hands, arms and legs. Sleeping, although I have not mentioned it recently is still a nightly horror show, I can never get comfortable enough.
I forgot to mention when I went on my scooter ride alone yesterday it was in a shopping center that also houses my old rehab, which I stopped by to ask if I took advantage of their equipment could I possibly get some appropriate guidance for my current condition and the answer was no without insurance for PT, physical therapy. They do have a monthly reasonable program that you pay a fee to use the equipment on your own I wasn’t looking for free the charge is thirty dollars for fifteen visits, which I was willing to pay still a bargain in these hard times, but no assist from their in house PT’s. It kills me that this is the same place that I had been to 13 times before for PT, OT NMM, they called me a frequent flyer and now I can’t go because of not having any insurance, this is so wrong. Even the other place nearby for exercise I asked by phone speaking with their trainer who said with all that I have wrong going on he would not be able to since even though he is a licensed trainer he is not a physical therapist and would not be able to help me legally or some such nonsense.
Damn life isn’t supposed to be this hard!
I did call Social Security and they told me that I was in the system and that they are working on it and that I should call back tomorrow. Well, that is something, I’ll take it!
I really need to do something.
You see I even know that exercise has positives for endorphins making it easier to deal with all this pain, but I think now I might just be too far gone.
I don’t want all of my muscles to atrophy which I do know can be a very slow return if not sometimes none at all if you are beyond that point.
Misery, self pity, and anguish have never served me or anybody well, but I just wish that there was something that I could do, and I would do it!
On that frustrating note I will say good night to all and to all count those blessings and I will too!
Speaking My Mind is about: Tobi, who is a middle aged, no, oh all right a slightly over the hill woman with all the imperfections that go with that, and this concerns her daily life's perceptions and experiences.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
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