Sunday, November 23, 2008

Day after day

Today my hip pain and mind have been rather at odds with one another.
I have been very self saddened by thinking of all my failures in life, and there are many.
I have consistently failed at things that I really have wanted over the last few years.
Family, or my lack of it drives me into a severe sadness more times than not, but most are dead.
It is true my husband's family is mostly in tact, but very far from us, and not supportive for me. Not totally their fault they all have their own problems.
Our youngest son, who is estranged and has not spoken to us civilly if at all in over four years, and I am confused on why that is; but our eldest son is a gem but too far for my selfish wishes of seeing him more than he is able.
I have painted a rosy picture of what I had hoped would be our truth, but it is not.
Today was my culmination of reflection, and unhappily I have been skirting my truths.
My desire to lose this gluttonous weight and to be published for money, I did not lie about have been published but not for any monetary gain. I have an essay in a book that is for sale in many venues, and have had several bylines in the newspaper as well as published editorial comments for eleven years.
I have played down my desire to need family especially at the holiday times.
We do, at least I know I feel that void enormously; my husband not so much.
My health issues too are real and not manufactured, and at times become insurmountable with my inability to do what I had been able to, and today I was willing to give in to my inability to walk.
I do know that we should count our blessings; we have food and a roof over our heads, and the ability to still pay all our bills.
I snuck a cigarette in the garage today too, it made me light headed and gave me a feeling of disgusting sickness, but I was so miserable I really didn’t care.
At this weight I am asking for death to come to my door to start that unhealthy habit again, but I wanted to give up, nothing seemed to be working for me.
Tomorrow I will go to the Health Department, I should be grateful that they have underwritten many of my tests including blood work and mammograms these last two years without health insurance, yes that is the doctors that have been caring for me at a discounted price, not for free; I was too ashamed to admit that.
They have been unable to hear my lament about needing help with this weight problem or the fact that my thigh has been unrelentingly painful since the summer. There are more health issues but my complaints would take all night, and I am growing weary.
I need an X-ray to see how bad the osteoarthritis has gotten, and possibly surgery, or at the very least someone to listen to me to help me lose the weight that I know I must.
I feel squeezed in a vice at times or like I’m shouting and no one is listening.
And my husband is not sympathetic to my weight gain; him always being thin.
He just keeps saying don’t eat so much.
If it was that easy doesn’t he realize it would have worked by now, but when something is eating you, you eat back?
I also went to the phone to make a call, but somehow I have managed to alienate all my previous friends, so there is no one to call, I’m miserable, and feeling very alone.
And so I called a young friend, actually my eldest son's X-girlfriend who had become my friend when I realized she would no longer be my daughter-in-law, which would have been nice, and she is still friends with my eldest son her X so it's OK. Consequently, I did not discuss what I discussed here, but other things.

Today was not a very good day.
And I am so glad that the day is basically done; each new one is a new beginning, right?


Good night to all.

Speaking My Mind: Which way will the war go?

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