Saturday, August 2, 2008

Pep talk to myself

Once we become adults we are supposed to not have any insecurities like we did in our teen years.
But I am going through a questioning period in my life of my abilities, and self esteem issues that are real to me. I suppose my enormous weight gain more than ever before, and my ills have something to do with it.
Every now and then I wonder what is wrong with me and people around me that makes me ask if I am loved?
When I was a small child I knew I was because my parents always told me, and that was very reassuring.
As an adult with deceased parents, and a non demonstrative spouse I'm never really sure, which sounds just awful.
We do say it to one another on occasion, and so do our sons, but do we really mean it?
Actions speak louder than words.
Paying attention to one another 24/7 now that my husband has retired is ridiculous to expect and not realistic. I do know that.
But common courtesy to say where you go when you leave the house for a half an hour or longer should be second nature in my book.
Since my disability it frightens me to be alone for too long.
When he knows that I need to stay in bed at times he does take his cell phone with him, and hands me mine so we can keep in contact like an intercom.
Though when I am feeling all right, not too bad he just leaves to talk to people, and I have no idea where he is.
This could be for a half hour or more, and I guess I panic. These are at home disappearances. Are others this way I do wonder.

Although, when he leaves in the car to go somewhere I realize he will be gone for quite some time, so I don't think about it.
Weird.

So today when I was angry at him I disappeared for a couple of hours in the car, but I did tell him where I was going, and even called him once.
He was not concerned.
Men are different.

And I am still sad.

Good night.

Which way will the war go?

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