Do not try this alone at home

Bad day.

Stopped caring.

I cannot wrap my head around all my falls, four since June, 5X to hospital.

Someone close to me blamed me for falling.

Forgetting that I have a little thing called MS!

So I checked to solve this somewhat mystery.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4321456/

https://www.nationalmssociety.org/NationalMSSociety/media/MSNationalFiles/Brochures/Brochure-Minimizing-Your-Risk-of-Falls.pdf

Best above explanation in its concise explanations.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Expanded_Disability_Status_Scale

I was told that my EDSS score was high, not good.

Debating whether or not to continue my pain medication that "might" be contributing to my falls...
1500 mg. Gabapentin daily? 80mg. of Baclofen daily? 1.75 of cannabis oil daily?
They appear to enhance my Ataxia and nystagmus, but it's like which came first the chicken or the egg?

https://www.ms.org.au/attachments/documents/ms_practice/ataxia.aspx
http://www.mult-sclerosis.org/nystagmus.html

Without these all legal medications I am in severe pain, meditation does not work, nor Lamaze or any mind-calming ideas, my mind runs rampant.

And yes some days more than others my mind goes there, to the dark side?

I actually lost control of my head a few times where just a couple of days ago I slammed my lip into the walker handle and split my lip.
My spasms can be severe even with all that Baclofen! The highest oral dose.

So I am torn on what to do, and therefor admittedly depressed.. tis the season to be housebound. My ugly lip added to me not wanting to go out, consequently missed two candle lightings we had planned to go to.

Writing for me has always been my way to put things in perspective tangibly.

No conclusions yet, but mulling everything over and just plain sad about being between a rock and a hard place. So many stronger than me. I am so ashamed.