Friday, May 12, 2017

Brain numbness

Feeling jealous and saddened.
I never knew either of my grandmothers for they passed away before I was born, one from gangrene legs due to diabetes in 1948, story is she wouldn't let them amputate, and the other in 1949 due to an automobile accident due to my grandfather having a heart attack while driving down from NJ to Florida for a vacation.
Both of those women according to all relatives accounts were very special women and both had large families by todays' standards, Dad was one of six, sort of a middle child, no real middle when there is six, ha and Mom was the eldest of five.
And me with all those first cousins from both sides. I think the count was twenty-five, and all those aunts and uncles too!
Most are gone now.
Yes, even some of those cousins.
And many had children, but smaller families and some didn't have any at all...
The ones that remain are scattered all over the country and maybe elsewhere?
My Mom passed away when I was thirty-one, she was seventy a week before her seventieth first birthday, she had a major stroke and lived only eleven and half hours.
Hubby's Mom has dementia and was banished from us to Pennsylvania by Hubby's sister several years ago, she might be ninety-six now, but she and we wouldn't know i.e if she's alive.
They don't talk, so that is why we don't know. The whole situation caused a falling out between them.
Number One Son works hard and many weekends, and lives hours away in this state, we get along well and remember to tell each that we love each other via phone calls weekly.
Number Two Son is estranged, his choice not ours.
So to me Mothers Day will be bittersweet as it has been for years.
I have been bothered terribly by seeing/hearing all the hoopla about the holiday.
It feels as if knives are going into my heart with each happy go-lucky ad and comments on TV Facebook, and emails.
Maybe if we had more kids, and I didn't have my tubes tied after my third four and half month miscarriage, too bad they did not know about Lupus Anticoagulant then that would have prevented those miscarriages by just taking aspirin. And I would have tons of love to give them and from all of them, maybe three or four or more or maybe not... who knows.
We love both our sons very much!
I did this two days before everyone's holiday so as not to spoil all of yours, not that this will.
I am no ones grandmother, I wouldn't be able to chase them anyway, not because I didn't want to be a grandma, because I have two sons that our eldest chose not to be a Dad, and younger might choose to be, but who knows if he will let us meet them?
We still have no idea why he has nothing to do with us.
Although, some people choose not to have children at all and will never feel as I do, and I personally do not know what to make of that, since my choice was to have them.
Oh I do know no one is responsible for your happiness than you! Especially our children, we should help them though to be happy adults.
And that is why I tell myself to do things that make happy happen?
But all the hype for the holiday is so loud and clear!
And aggravates me also nastily so clearly.
I do know I shouldn't let it, but its everywhere!
Like Christmas to a Jewish girl and so I had to have some of that too!
Now that's funny!
I made myself laugh, you too?

And now I will close to wallow in my... what only can be thought as self pity!
BUT NAH!
I will continue to soldier on...I do love all our soldiers, it's the wars that I hate!

Good night to all and share your blessings and we will too!

And next time please be here or be square, ya hear!

PS By Sunday maybe my outlook will/might be different. I do have a short attention span, my only redeeming quality for warding off true depression!